The Not Rocket Science Award: Voting Should be on National Holiday

Maybe elections should actually look more like a state fair than a funeral.  After all, nothing says Americana better than thousands of people lining up for fried meat on a stick.  (Photo: NY Post)

     It’s not terrifically hard to figure out who technically won the first debate; it was Hillary.  Even Fox News’ Charles Krauthammer came out and said that Hillary “had a good night,” and that’s akin to getting Boston Rob to admit that Derek Jeter isn’t a “huuuuge losah.”  She was smart, poised, confident and extremely prepared, looking every bit the front-runner she was supposed to be this entire time.  Even while Bernie had a few moments of his own, Clinton was easily the best combination of performer and politician on the stage – the essential formula that tends to toss the lightweights to the corner of the conversation.  It also didn’t hurt that Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb could have made the Bieber look like a statesman.  Both have terrific credentials, yet their delivery and ability to communicate their message frequently left them looking lost and inept on the biggest stage they’ve ever been on.  Webb was so flustered by going stretches without speaking that he looked like he was ready to go for his next KIA right there with Anderson Cooper, then spent half his time explaining that he didn’t have any time.  Chafee said a few smart things, though it was next to impossible to notice through an awkward presentation that simply found no way to generate any actual excitement for his platform.  He also attempted a takedown of Hillary’s ethics, only to tee up one of her best moments instead.

Almost as if to prove what can go 
wrong when you teach velicoraptors to 
Tweet, GOP candidate Mike Huckabee 
recently said: "I trust @BernieSanders 
with my tax dollars like I trust a North 
Korean chef with my labrador!"

(I stand by my theory that, given time 
and training, Huckabee too can be 
taught to open doors)

     But while defining how Hillary won has its place, there were plenty of other developments that could help to shape the debate from here on out for the Democrats.  Martin O’Malley shrugged off a tepid start to deliver some crisp moments that brought him into the top-tier, though his delivery also needs a bit of polishing – even if only so his aids can sleep at night without nightmares of seeing O’Malley implode into a Howard Dean moment.  His plan to transform to a fully electrical grid by 2050 is an interesting starting point, proving that his campaign is ready to roll-out some long-term progressive plans.  Then there was Bernie, who has seen a fairly meteoric rise in the polls in recent months thanks to his fiery message about income inequality and the bought-and-sold democratic process.  His “damn emails” comment was one of the most duplicated moments from the debate, but he also was the only candidate to talk about one of the biggest elephants in the room when it comes to American politics.  The reason why big-money interests have a stranglehold is because many Americans treat elections like side salads at McDonalds, leading to an uninspired voter turnout that directly favors a steadily forming oligarchy.  As Sanders pointed out, 63% of eligible voters sat out the 2014 mid-terms and – ta-da! – the Republicans took control of the Senate.  Presidential cycle voting is much better, but more than 40% didn’t vote in 2012 and it’s very likely that a similar amount won’t vote this time around as well.  Despite our obsession with believing that American democracy is the model for the world, we actually even trail most developing nations and are way, way behind most of our counterparts in Europe.  

  Of course, it’s not hard to figure out why low voter turnouts favor Republicans, as it’s at least partially because a solid chunk of the left-leaning 25-and-under crowd is too busy drinking their way through their “everything is awesome” phase.  If you were to ask me who I should vote for in 2004 during undergrad (my first political swearing off phase) I might have just slurred my way through the few Latin words I remembered from high school and went back to playing beer pong.  One thing that logic seems to dictate, however, is that the Americans are not supposed to get out-democratized when it comes to elections, yet turnout is a topic we’ve so wholeheartedly given up on that even the allegedly ultra-left Democratic Party rarely addresses it.  Though Bernie touted countries like Sweden for things such as universal healthcare and paid family time off, it’s also a country that gets a voter turnout of more than 90% while holding elections on a weekend.  If universal healthcare makes a chunk of the electorate think of socialism, the high voter turnout and national holiday is the democratic balance that Bernie will be attempting to sell to the American public along with the principles of democratic socialism.  He has even put forth a bill that would make elections a national holiday, as it’s not exactly like we don’t have some pretty lame ones just lying around waiting for the Old Yeller treatment (Yes, I'm look at you Columbus Day).  Just imagine the orgy of Americana that could go down if more people were able to daydrink their way through Election Day instead of  trying to cram in voting before/after TPS reports.  

Hillary leans in to ask Bernie if he'll

stop by for some high-powered

blotter acid after the debate.

     But the most useless component of the political process is a windbag with no solutions, which is why it’s time we think of some other alternatives while Republicans figure out new ways to spin a national election holiday as a corruption of democratic principles.  If anything, maybe Americans can take up the example led by professional baseball, that creative of sports that will hand out any type of useless crap imaginable to get people to come to the stadium and drink $8.50 Bud Lights.  In the spirit of the ongoing baseball postseason and the phenomenon of the American state fair, here are the top five gimmicks that would definitely work to drive voter turnout for the 2016 election.

5)  Tee shirt slingshot giveaways.

There’s a simple fact of American life: use a slingshot to fling tee shirts into a crowd and people WILL dive on the ground to get them – even if they’re $5 whities (the shirts) from Bubb’s Depot.   Put a sharpie smiley face on the front, if you want to get fancy with it, and suddenly you will have a crowd energized in no time as they wait in line to pull their lever.  It also could provide an important cessation in the inevitable near-fistfights set to emerge in line this political cycle.

4)  Fry a whole bunch of sh*t that doesn't make any sense.

I say we take 2% of the money raised by both sides and throw a huge national fair on Election Day complete with fried Oreos, fried Twinkies, fried pickles, fried lattes (real thing, seriously), or just about anything else you can somehow manage to deep fry.  Fairs prove every single summer that people will stand in long lines and deal with unbearable heat without much hesitation, as long as there is the promise of something deep-fried.  If fried food tents started lining up all over the country on Election Day, we might even be able to move into the top-half of voter turnouts in the world. 

3)  Trump Bobblehead handouts.

One of the most beloved of baseball handouts is the good ole’ bobblehead, and it just so happens that Trump has the perfect head for it.  Handing out cheaply made bobbleheads is practically on the first page of promoting a bad product on all levels of professional baseball, making it a natural fit to generate more interest in heading to the polls.  

2)  Sumo-Wrestling suits:
Just imagine that a philosophical debate should arise in line at a polling center, perhaps with someone who believes that the theory of evolution is a hoax and that you're the dumbest person on the planet for believing in tinfoil-hat leftist fantasies.  Just when all hope seems lost, there might be a way to get to a conclusion without having to find a solvent jumping off point: enter sumo-wrestling suits.  In one of the finest traditions in the minor leagues, two fans (in this case voters) get a chance to pretend they're 500-pound athletes as they go for the take-down, which doubtlessly will disarm both thanks to a calamity of errors.  Even the upright and snooty citizens will find themselves peeking over the Wall Street Journal article they're pretending to read.  

1)   Beer tent/nickel beer night.

Even though the Continental Congress was filled with concerned patriots who drank heavily and used/grew cannabis (seriously), the election process dips into the prohibition era for guidance, and fails miserably.  Standing in line at the polls is a tedious and sobering affair that is only for the patient-minded, but adults who don’t even like baseball or fairs find solace in the almighty beer tent.  If you allowed beer companies to setup shop outside the polls, just imagine how much more tolerable the lines would be, and it's not exactly like we can suddenly be supremely worried about corporate interests muddying the political waters.  Of course, we might be too well-strapped as a nation to add in beer to the political process at this point in our timeline.  After all, telling a lubricated and strapped Tea Partier that the Earth is 6,001 years old would doubtless start a national incident. 

Irony: Hosting a debate centered around income inequality....
at the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas.