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Putin gets ready to flash a topless
protester the thumbs up, perhaps showing a misunderstanding of the
“f--k
dictators” she had on her chest. (New York Post)
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When you can’t tell whether someone
is weak or a tyrant, the answer is that person is likely neither, but this is a
bridge too far for a certain arm of the American political regime at the
moment. Whenever Obama is doing just
about anything relating to domestic policies, he’s labeled a tyrannical mad man
who goes to bed at night scheming of ways to f*ck JimBob out of his pursuit of the vaguely
outlined American dream. Then Putin comes
to town, leading to one of the most hilarious pivots in modern politics, unsurprisingly
at the hands of the comedians on the cable news channel that needs not be spoken
of. Forget the ever-expanding complexities
of international diplomacy. The mountains of data, information and counseling
that goes into a decision like going back to war in the Middle East. No, those are children’s games. The only game of import to the relentless
chorus is whether Obama is “weak” or “strong” compared with Putin, and
certainly the rendered verdict is a predictable one: Obama is the weakest, most
embarrassing and ill-suited president ever to sit the Iron Throne. How can they
live with themselves as Americans? Wait, did they just figure out the end of Apocalypse Now? The horror!
The problem – well, one of the problems – is the object used to call Obama weak yields such an absurd comparison that the argument could never get off the ground, even if the characterizations were accurate. Obama has to answer to an American electorate that voted him in specifically because of his opposition to the Iraq War. To a House of Representatives so rabid all they do is sit around daydreaming of hitting King Obama in the testicles with Michael Keaton’s imaginary tiny hammer from Birdman. To an entire wave of Democrats who gained position by opposing our recent follies in the Middle East. Putin, on the other hand, has no political peers to speak of at all, having been the focal point of the Russian government ever since he was appointed the presidency on New Year’s Eve, 1999 by outgoing Boris Yeltsin. Sure, he had to switch over to being the Prime Minister for a spell after two presidential terms, but he basically just changed his title to Food and Beverage Director and then reclaimed his position as president in 2012 (almost 64% of the vote). As the Russian economy has been hit by repeated international sanctions, Putin has managed to keep high overall support of the Russian people and his influence on the government has never been more apparent. This affords him free rein to act like a blowhard from the KGB era of his youth, all while Obama has to take into consideration a nation wary of war and disinterested in leaping headlong back into a quagmire.
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| Yes,
this is Putin swimming with dolphins, possibly to see if he can successful install lasers on their heads. |
The other main issue with the
comparison between Obama and Putin is also the one that is typically flat out
avoided due to the murkiness of the information. While Obama is certainly a wealthy man as
well, Putin’s net worth has been estimated by Forbes at upwards of $70
billion, with other estimates of varying credibility placing his net worth
closer to $200 billion. Though
officially Putin’s annual income has been more in the $80K-$100K range on record and
he’s denied having a fortune, his government and business partners did have a
hand in building a $1 billion
estate whispered to be for his retirement – complete with three helipads and
an enormous mansion frequently referred to as “Putin’s Palace.” Obama can’t even project a rainbow flag onto
his own house without getting called a socialistic heathen hell-bent on
destroying the universe. Just imagine if
Obama asked for money on the floor of the senate for his own retirement housing
subsidy. It might be worth it just to
see Ted Cruz’s head spin off his shoulders.
But at this point, Putin doesn’t just run the Russian government and
economy; he appears to actually own it in a way that would make the Koch Brothers blush
like maidens. Yet grown adults go on TV
and say things like “This is old school versus grad school…there’s no match between the two” and the rest of
the seals bark and regurgitate similar bits of hilarity. Put aside the fact that this is one of the
most uncreative and boring jokes in political history; it also showcases an
unbridled affection for what is considered the “old school.” What the fourth-rate knee-slapper completely
overlooks is the fact that the “old school” was actually the Cold War, a
decades-long bit of cock flashing between two nations that found the brink of
nuclear holocaust a perfectly reasonable place to open negotiations. Unintentionally, Putin’s usage as a prop in the
American news always gives us a glimpse into the soul of some of Obama’s biggest
critics. It turns out they actually love
militaristic tyrants ruling the people, as long as they aren’t Americans.
Note:
Greg Gutfeld of Fox News would make a good candidate for the Janos Slynt Award.
Earlier in the year, Gutfeld went on Fox
News and said “If we could
create fuel that was based on naïve grad school beliefs, POTUS could be a power
plant.” When the audience had
finally recovered from all the laughing spasms, several months later, he was
dangled back in front of audiences to say “This is old school versus grad
school…there’s no match between the two.” I wonder if they gave him a treat when it was
over.
Giants?!
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